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Romance

I have been expanding my ideas on love and human connectedness by experimenting with polyamory. Categories like this cause confusion and isolation, so I make no claims and I ask that you make no judgments.  I assure you that this is a lifestyle full of excitement, confusion, and stories to tell. I also assure you it is absolutely full of love. In anticipation of comments I want to say that this is not a philosophical argument based in rational thought, it is a poem based on my feelings and emotions.

ROMANCE and RELATIONSHIP

Romance is not the same as relationship. Romance knows only what it feels, what it senses. Relationships are well thought out, but romance has no time for thinking.  The moment is what matters, the moment is what is at hand. The mind only catches up in retrospect. This retrospect, this reflection, this is the stuff of relationships. The aftermath of romance, when lovers become partners and passion is predetermined, this is what constitutes relationship. Romance is eyes catching with subtle seduction, arms rubbing "accidentally" inciting curious reactions, the indecision of wonder, what should be versus what is. Relationship is the space partners exist in after this curious anticipation is realized.

Romance can happen between anyone, excentuated by a lack of information. When fear meets love, romance is born. The fear of what could be, the fear of what is, the fear of unfulfilled desire, the fear of unintentional boundary crossing, of emotions run wild amidst a world of clear-cut categories. What should be versus what is. Imagine what the world would be like if the terms of our relationships with each other where negotiated in every possible instance by the people involved and not by some abstract ideal about what people should be to one another. Romance would cease to be an underground world of dis-communication and fear, and would be liberated as a legitimate expression of unnamable love, of pre-cognitive feeling that ties the world together in the boundless beauty of unchecked emotion. Romance is wild. It is undomesticated. But it has been tamed by our structural society, a system of tradition, of abstractions based in cultural myths. Romance is not free to be itself, but must instead exist as a secretive longing, as eyes meeting in just the (in)appropriate moment. But romance will be. It will stir us out of our rigidity, our ritual existence, and teach us of an other-world, where love has no boundaries. Romance.

Love, Hate, and Fred Phelps

    I had a dream about Fred Phelps last night. Fred is the sociopath preacher who leads the Westborro Baptist Church cult. I usually hesitate in using psychological language to classify someone, but Fred exhibits all the characteristics of a sociopath. It's sad that our society creates these pathologies, but Fred is a prime - though extreme- example that it does. Fred and his followers (who are mostly his immediate family of 12 children and multiple grandchildren) make a living by protesting various controversial issues, usually relating in some way to LGBTQI people. His cult is notorious for the "God Hates Fags" and "God Hates America" signs that they carry all over the country, including to soldiers funerals.
    
    Fred is a hurting soul. His pathologies are undoubtedly a product of issues in his past. Rumors abound that he was beaten in his childhood, which is likely being that he regularly beats his wife and children (as attested to by his wayward son and critic Nate Phelps). My dream was about Fred. It was about the hurting Fred. I saw a side of him that most overlook. He is a weak person exhibiting compensatory behavior, and in my dream I knew it. In my dream I gave Fred what he needs, not what he wants. He wants people to yell at, he wants to be angry and let his aggression out of someone. What he needs is someone to accept and love him. It's too bad he doesn't find that in god, but I don't think he would know how to accept love at this point in his life anyway. But I still tried to show him love in my dream. I listened to him. I gave him my ear. I gave him the time of day. He doesn't deserve it, but he longs for it. He needs it. He needs a hug, a kiss, a backrub.

    Fred's coming to my humble little gay town on Sunday to protest some churches and synagogues. I don't know what my response is going to be, but I know my tendency will be to yell and scream and get uptight about his blatant hatred. But perhaps I should instead figure out a way that I can give him what he needs and not what he wants. Maybe a sign that says "God Loves You Fred", or something more kinky like "Queers Want You." I don't know what I'll do. I know he'll sue me if I hug him, but perhaps there is a way to show him some lovin. We'll see.

Buddhism and Denial

For a couple years I was very much into Buddhism and meditation. The lessons learned during this season in my life were invaluable and I still use many of the practices and principles in my daily life. Mindfullness, meditation, and awareness are things that all religions and spiritualities teach, and are things which everyone should integrate into their life. My disconnection with Buddhism came when I first began to realize that it is often (mis)used as a vehicle of denial. It seems appropriate that the rise of Buddhism in the west has taken place among a very particular class of people, the upper-middle class. The teachings of Buddha and the practice of meditation, at their core, represent a radical disassociation with reality. In the East, this has been used as a means of overcoming the suffering that is an inevitable part of civilized life, the first noble truth. It has been an avenue to channel inner peace despite the suffering. Yet in the West, for those who are largely unaccustomed to suffering, it has become a way to channel inner peace, denying that suffering exists. We "create our own reality" and "only suffer if we let oursleves." This whole philosophy of dismissal has been created in which people believe that the way to peace is by convincing themsleves that the world is perfect in it's present state. The practice of "accepting the present moment" has lost it's radical ability to focus the mind and has been twisted to represent a utopian wish for a perfect world, denying the reality of suffering. This is no longer Buddhism. 

    Suffering exists. Within the capitalist system, suffering is inevitable. For some reason this stark reality is hard for the peace-loving 60's generation to accept. They, out of anyone, should be intimately acquainted with the inevitable suffering in the world and the bursting of utopian bubbles. The events of 1968 show us exactly what we are up against. There is something deeper going on. Perhaps it is precisely the bursted bubble that has created this tendency for people to deny the reality of the world. The efforts of the 60's failed, giving way to more of the same. Perhaps this is the reality that modern Buddhists accept. Yet when taken with a certain portion of nihilism, the acceptance of this reality can create a tendency for escapism, which is exactly what Western Buddhists seem to latch onto. 

    Accepting the suffering of the world is not nihilistic in and of itself, as it may seem. It's realistic, leaving room open for investigation as to where the suffering is coming from. Denial closes this door of investigation. Things are bad, yet not hopeless. Utopian dreams are not escapist in and of themsleves. They leave room open for hope, for praxis, and shut the door of nihilism.

    Denial and escapism are the fuels that keep the wheels of the capitalist machine spinning. How many people do you know who hate their job, or are bogged down by their many responsibilities? A few, a bunch, everyone? It's only possible to swim through the drudgery of this system's reality if we accept it as inevitable, and if we accept is as inevitable and natural, then we accept it as eternal and unchanging. No wonder we must create or co-opt a religious system that will help us "just get through" the stress and hardship of daily life. This is what Buddhism has become.  

"The problem of Capitalism is one of meaning, and it is here that religion is now reinventing it's role, rediscovering it's mission of guaranteeing a meaningful life to those who participate in the meaningless function of the capitalist machine." 

-Slavoj Zizek, First as Tragedy, Then as Farce

    Buddhism has the potential to be a revolutionary force, as the monks overseas have attested to this last decade. When practiced properly, it offers one a way to move through life unaffected (emotionally) by the things that are inevitably affecting them. It does not necessarily produce denial or nihilism, it simply helps one cope. Yet in the West, just like most religions, it's revolutionary potential has been cut short by a mindless co-opting of an Eastern religion to Western standards. That's why I don't associate with Buddhism anymore.     

State of Mind

     I haven't ever been depressed before. At least not in such a noticeable way. I feel inhibited, trapped, kept down. On Wednesday I caught a glimpse of my true self, but then she disappeared and I haven't seen her since. It was at a show. This person played who I had seen once before. The experience of seeing them play brought up feelings and emotions I hadn't realized were suppressed. It brought me right back to when I saw them play before, at a radical queer conference in Chicago, an experience that sort of marks the highlight of my Chicago days. The songs were about being active and doing shit, something that used to be important to me. The night ended as the crowd sang "never surrender" in unison. I've never felt so trapped. I didn't sing.

    Where have I gone? Where is my peace? How have I lost all that is important to me? My schedule has been such that I have been on the run constantly. Everything I have been spending my time doing is good, but it's not me. I have lost a sense of self and failed to conjure up any strength to go looking for myself again. As the rain falls and the cold shivers through my body, I sit here acknowledging for the first time in a while that I am lost. Perhaps acknowledging the problem is the first step to doing something about it.

May all I say and all I think be in harmony with thee,
God within me,
God beyond me,
maker of trees.

I'm back

There's a lot on my mind and I finally got internet access in my house, so you can expect to see more posts from me in the near future. I really miss writing! My new hectic schedule, which I'm sure you will indirectly hear about in my upcoming rants, has been keeping me from doing much of anything I love. (Though today I taught my first legit class on herbal medicine and I'm feeling pretty stoked about it.) I've been living the sedentary life in the swamps of Gainesville, FL. Life is good right now... really good. It has just been a bit overwhelming. I'm studying therapeutic massage full-time. I haven't done anything full-time since high school and I dropped outta that shit as fast as I could. So anyway, all that said, you will be hearing from me soon, as I am literally reconnected with this much needed outlet of expression...

Shoplifting: Crime or Liberation?

Feed the hungry, undermine the system!

Philathropists often have limits. Most people care about the poor, and will jump at a chance to make a legitimate difference in the life of someone who is going through a rough financial spot. But as soon as the gift makes a significant difference in the life of the giver, things get shady. If a hungry person walks into a soup-kitchen, they will ideally be met with hospitality and a warm bowl of soup. Yet if a hungry person walks into a grocery store and begins eating the food, they will surely be forecfully moved and arrested, not to mention scorned at. Our chairty has limits, and the limits are that is must exist with in the confines of the system. As soon as one begins to question those confines, shit hits the fan. It seems that there is a time and a place for charity, and that is exactly the difference between charity and justice. Justice would say that food, clothing and shelter are human rights and to deny someone food, clothing or shelter is wrong... period. Yet when we try to insert a value so simple into a society so complex, the problems are endless. The system dictates who get what, how they get it and when they get it. The complexity of the system is the cause of need and greed, unquestionabley so. As the famous quote goes:

 “When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a communist.” 

Recently a british priest has come under fire for a sermon he gave in which he argued that shoplifting can be justified if a person in real need does not take more than he or she really needs to get by and as long as they do it at large national chain stores, rather than small family businesses. One of the many news reports says the following:

 
The Daily Mail reported that Jones claims his sermon at St. Lawrence Church in York did not violate the Bible commandment: "Thou shalt not steal," because God's love for the poor is more important than the property rights of the rich.

"Let my words not be misrepresented as a simplistic call for people to shoplift," Jones was quoted as saying. "This is a call for our society to no longer treat its most vulnerable people with indifference and contempt."

The sermon has drawn fierce reaction from police, retailers and politicians in Britain.